The Flying Cow is your weekly light-reading publication found in restaurants, doctor's offices, and other places where you'll have time on your hands. It contains Canadian factoids and trivia, local advertisements and events, non-profit information, jokes, holiday info, and horoscopes. It has a weekly readership of between three and five thousand in the region and is growing larger every week.

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NO BULL

• Despite the march of technology, the number of yards which drives on the Professional Golf Association (PGA) Tour have increased since 1968: 24.8 (from 255 to 279.8)
  
• Annual amount each year that Canadian families spend on food, according to Statistics Canada: $5,220
  
• Number of kilograms of potatoes that the average Canadian consumes annually: 74
  
• Number of litres of beer: 68
  
• Amount generated each year by the Canadian gardening industry: $3.5 billion
  
• Percentage of respondents to a Reuters/Zogby International poll who say that Frankenstein is the most frightening horror character: 22.5
  
• Percentage who say that Freddy Krueger is most frightening: 21.2
  
• Percentage who say that Dracula is scariest: 15.6
  
• Year in which the song “You’re so Vain” by Carly Simon first went to number one, touching off nation wide speculation about whom the song was about: 1973
  
• Amount paid by NBC executive Dick Ebersol in a 2003 charity auction to find out from Simon who the song was about, after which he was forbidden to tell anybody: $50,000
  
• Percentage of people who think the song is about Warren Beatty: 54
  
• Year in which women in Switzerland received the right to vote: 1971
  
• Year in which women in the country of Jordan got the right to vote: 1973
  
• Year in which Harvard Law School first admitted women: 1949

WHEN COWS FLY
“When our older two girls were six and four years of age, we had a dinner time discussion about food and nutrition,” says Maureen Chow of Vancouver, BC. “I explained to them that the chicken we were having had lots of protein for growing, the rice had carbohydrates for energy and fibre for digestion, and that the green beans were full of vitamins to keep us healthy. My six year old, Dee, asked several questions and definitely grasped the idea. Amber, my four year old never said anything. We all kept on eating, and the subject was seemingly dropped. A few moments later, I noticed that Amber had not made any progress with her dinner, and I figured my lesson had fallen on deaf ears. Just as I was about to speak to her for not eating, she jumped up, and yelled, ‘I found them all!’ She opened up her hand and showed us all of the seeds from inside of the green beans. ‘Now I have all of the vitamin pills so I can stayhealthy!’ And with a self-satisfied smirk, she popped them in her mouth.”

Political Correctness For Kids

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odour-retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

TRUE NORTH TRIVIA

1. Which 'kilted' Canadian author wrote 'Lost in the Barrens', 'Never Cry Wolf' and 'Tundra'?
   
2. What is the name of the main sugar in milk?
   
3. What animal is represented on the Canadian 'twoonie'?
   
4. Which chemical element is also known as quicksilver?
   
5. What is the "Honeymoon Capital" of the world?
   
6. How often do deer grow their antlers?

Answers to True North Trivia can be found here.

GUERNSEY GIGGLES

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked gently on the door. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked politely. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly. "Could I just have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" by this time she was fairly shouting. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

HOLSTEIN HISTORY
June 14, 1994, Vancouver BC - Fans rioted in the streets after the NHL Canucks lost the Stanley Cup to the New York Rangers 4 games to 3 at Madison Square Garden. Police used TV news videotapes of the riot to lay charges. The was the first Ranger win in 54 years.

TIPS FROM FARMER JOHN

• Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
  
• Don't overdrive your headlights at night, especially in areas where animal crossing signs are posted.
  
• Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.